Last week, the Mormon church announced a change in policy with regard to children being raised by same-sex couples. The basic policy itself sounds anodyne — children of same-sex couples have to wait until they are 18 to formally become members of the church by being baptized. Prior to that, they can attend and participate in any activities not requiring they have been baptized. The church’s formal language states that being in a same-sex marriage is “apostasy”:
The update affirmed one of the church's fundamental doctrines, that marriage is between a man and a woman. It also clarified that entering a same-sex marriage is considered apostasy and requires a church disciplinary council. The update states that homosexual relations, especially sexual cohabitation, are serious transgressions for which a disciplinary council may be necessary.
Church leaders also added a new section to Handbook 1 to provide guidance to lay leaders about "children of a parent living in a same-gender relationship." The section instructs local leaders that those children cannot receive baby blessings or baptism.
Social media in Utah blew up on November 6th. My social media feeds were going apeshit over the policy. Some faithful Mormons were defensive but also oddly triumphant — a sort of “see we were right!” attitude. Other Mormons were hurt, angry, frustrated. LGBT folk were furious, hurt, and, in some cases, venomous.
The Mormon church’s official stance is:
the goal is to protect children, he said, so "they're not placed in a position where there will be difficulties, challenges, conflicts that can injure their development in very tender years."
To say that critics have rejected that explanation as nothing more than empty words is an understatement.
Many LDS folks have taken this policy change as justification and license to deepen their anti-gay bigotry. In essence, they’re now saying, “See they are apostates, we are right to treat them badly.” Many lgbt persons see the new policy as a direct attack on their families.
(I know this will come up so let’s just get it out of the way — no, I don’t know why any lgbt person would try to remain a member of the LDS church but many who were raised Mormon, who have extended family within the church have tried to do so.)
Why describe the policy as devious?
The church has effectively created a basis for straight spouses of lesbian and gay members to argue for sole custody of their children on the basis that their spiritual development would be harmed by allowing them to live with their gay parent. In the heavily LDS Inter-Mountain West, many judges will likely accept such arguments.
The policy uses the children of gay members as leverage against those members. Officially, the Mormon church takes the stance that so long as gay members keep the law of chastity they are in good standing. Well, the Mormon law of chastity precludes same-sex marriage, dating, relationships and sex. Hanging out with too many gay people could put a person’s standing in question. This policy change forces lgbt Mormons to choose between their children and their relationships.
For gay persons, if they are married, this policy is pressuring them to not divorce because of the consequences to their children. If they divorce, they face a choice that is no choice.
Unless you’ve grown up in heavily Mormon areas, it is difficult to fully comprehend the pressure on children to conform to Mormon faith. Mormons are baptized at age 8. It’s not uncommon for non-Mormon kids to experience serious social isolation and ostracism around these baptisms. Mormons teach that infant baptism is at best ineffective. It’s not uncommon for non-LDS kids to ask to be baptized just to fit in.
As kids hit middle and high school, the pressures are worse. It’s not uncommon for Mormon boys to want to date non-Mormon girls believing that since those girls are non-Mormon they must be sluts; non-Mormon girls in Utah schools face incredible pressures. Behaviors that would be considered normal in almost any other setting are seen as “proof” they’re easy. The girls in my church’s youth group report extraordinary amounts of sexual harassment in their schools. Although the Mormon church itself does not condone such behavior (and in fact discourages it) the social world of Mormon communities implicitly encourages it. Mormon girls have held to the law of chastity, non-Mormon girls aren’t. I’m focusing on the impact on girls because it seems to be disproportionate, not because the social pressures don’t impact non-Mormon boys negatively. It’s not uncommon for non-Mormon boys to be told they can’t date Mormon girls because the girl’s parents don’t trust non-Mormon boys. (The toxic stew of Mormonism’s teachings on chastity and modesty would require volumes to explore.)
These pressures tell parents — if your kids aren’t baptized this is what they’ll face. It’s devious and harmful. It uses kids to keep their parents in line.
If you accept the Mormon theology that families are forever, the church is, in essence, telling people you will be separated from your children in this life and the next.
I realize this diary may seem anti-Mormon. Please understand that I believe this policy is harmful and hurtful. I believe it came about as the result of institutional blindness rather than actual malice. It is a knee-jerk response by a church which has invested decades of time and vast resources in formulating and preaching a very particular theology about family. Bending or adapting church policy to accept same-sex marriage would threaten those decades of work.
Mormonism places a huge emphasis on a very specific form of family. When I was growing up, the church spend vast resources to encourage “family home evening” on Mondays. One night a week where the entire family spent time together — people were asked to give up work, school, sports, clubs, and other social events one night a week. The church even published articles and books on things families could do together. Millions of faithful Mormons adopted family home evening. Mormonism conceives of the family as the heterosexual, nuclear and extended family which lives together on earth and which will be reunited in the afterlife. Mormonism has a deep commitment to separate roles and spheres for the genders.
Marriage equality, granting same-sex relationships dignity within Mormon theology of family, has the potential to shake Mormon theology to its core. This policy protects that theology. (Not for nothing, but if the LDS church were to suddenly start sanctioning same-sex marriages, many Mormons would gladly conform; but many would not — people can’t turn their beliefs on a dime like that. The church may be in the early stages of a gradual process of accepting same-sex couples but I would be surprised to see any major changes in the near future.)
At its best, Mormonism is profoundly communitarian — building strong families who in turn form strong communities. The shadow side of that comes out in policies this like one which alienates people from family and community and is personally, spiritually and socially devastating.